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Just Be Present

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 I stand with those who mourn, with those who have had their world shattered, who are engulfed with the sudden emptiness of one they loved so dearly no longer being in this Earthly realm.

It is a numbing that is almost unexplainable. All of it is even worse when the one loved so deeply was so innocent and whose essence was taken by a monster.

No one has the right words, so sometimes, they do the wrong thing and stay away.

Or they are trying to understand it themselves and barrage the survivor with impossible questions of who, what, when, where, why, and how...yet no one really asks the right how. How are you right now? How can I be present with you through this? How do you want to remember the one you loved?

I was never asked.

I was never supported.

I was never nurtured.

We are the wounded healers, those of us who have lived through our lives being ripped apart.

I was only 18.

The ones who were supposed to be the adults were the very ones who abandoned me to the monster, so I did not have anyone I could trust, no one to hold my quivering hand or place an arm around my shaking shoulders as I held the lifeless form of my entire world.

Weeks and months became years and decades.

I have rituals I do from October 31-November 1. I attend to my body and spirit and what she is telling me she needs, I go to the water or I look at the leaves turning colors like they are today. 

What I have come to understand, as Rachel wept for her children (Jeremiah 31) is also that The G_D who so deeply loves me is also the one who helped me have hope for my future, for the lives of my living children, for the ones who I minister to. So I set up markers and signs for the road I have traveled and appreciate the young woman who has grown into an older woman. I no longer ask the questions of why a monster did what a monster did. I also no longer give explanations or details to those who only want to be titillated by the details.

My Beloved Husband told me, "Toni, you don't owe anyone your story." and that is a precious gift I've held for the 30 years we've been together. He is of my second life and more of my adult years than anyone. While he was never a part of my story in the way way back, he has surrounded me with love, protection, and sacred space as I journey through whatever I feel on April 1st and November 1st.

That is how you be present with someone when their grief comes and ebbs, it never goes away.

You don't have to understand what happened to be with them as they experience remembrances.

That is why I do what I do.

I know what it is like.

I know there are no words.

Yet, presence is all that needs to be said.

©2025. Looking at the trees, remembering the most precious, honoring essence.

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