Six years ago on May 8th, my world turned upside down.
I was let go from my corporate job.
There was a sense of triumph and a sense of relief along with the dread of losing all that money. I had seen the handwriting on the wall about a year earlier when I had returned to work from maternity leave in March 2002. The atmosphere seemed tense, people were nervous, I was somewhat oblivious, still in the euphoria over the birth of my daughter. I took on my next assignment as part of the career development program I was in when I left for maternity leave six months prior. It was actually the maternity leave that made it possible for me to return because a couple of people in the same rotational program had been let go before they even completed the twelve-to-eighteen-month internal consulting gigs. The promise was that we were being groomed for management and would have a job in the end.
Perhaps I ignored the sense of dread upon taking the "only position available" within the company. There was something sinister about that short little woman that I told myself was nothing, the opportunity would be good for my career in a "growing" area of the company. Never should've believed the lie.
Fast forward about a year into the position with new management, new people "leaving" or "retiring" and more and more tense air.
I prayed in January to go home but something inside wouldn't just let me quit. I guess it is because I had been working full-time since I was nineteen (except for the brief two-year-stint to work on my M.B.A.)
The day, two days after my birthday, came with me having already cleared out my office. I knew it was coming, I didn't want to be shamed into having someone stand over me while I packed my office. My purse and coffee mug was all I carried out on that last day. I closed the door on that chapter and opened another.
Little did I know that my husband, also with graduate degrees (he has a Ph.D.), would lose his job two months later.
Our world turned upside down.
We went from a high six-figure-income to zero before the summer was in full swing. We had three sons and a daughter at home. And I was pregnant.
The financial, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll losing our income took on us still has remnants today, even as I stay home raising our children and he works another high six-figure-income job. Even as we look around us at more and more professional friends losing jobs, or spouses losing jobs, or friends' homes in jeopardy.
To those experiencing this blow that hits to the pit-of-the-stomach, I can say, this too shall pass.
I realized we have been tested, some we passed, others we failed, but tested all the same.
Our family, our children, are relatively unscathed. We never gave them everything they wanted when we had all the money so they weren't wondering what happened to their golden piggy bank. In the first year, we still went on our planned vacation, it wasn't until after we returned that he lost his job. Even when he lost his, we were sure something would surface soon.
My husband, the highly educated man, humbled himself and stacked boxes, worked in an archive cave, and wrote articles to bring in money. My field, marketing, was essentially dried up in 2003, especially in our city, so I settled into the pregnancy and being an at-home mom.
I clipped coupons, met my son's school bus, prepared meals, did laundry, everything I thought I was supposed to do.
Savings helped us make it through the rest of 2003 as well as generous gifts from some of my husband's former students who we count as close friends, through loans from family, through stretching final paychecks, and through humility. We signed up for COBRA through his job, more than twice as much as it would've been through my job, and we counted everything. We prayed and went to church and were sure this was a short season.
The end of 2003 brought us the birth of our last child and second daughter. So sure we were of God's restoration that even her name symbolizes that. Together, we felt we were embarking on something momentous.
2003 turned into 2004 and he was still doing the archivist job that was about one-third of our former salary. He also went down to the social services office and applied for food stamps and medicare. I was still getting unemployment. By the time spring came and maternity leave ended, I was knocking on doors that didn't want to open. I got my insurance license and kept looking for something.
He finally landed at another full-time, with benefits position, that would be a stepping stone to where he is now. It was less than half our former salary but we were sure it would pay off. We had learned to live on less and juggled our bills, the mortgage was still paid, and the odd articles or occasional insurance check held us over.
I look back now and wonder about it all. In the midst of that, our beautiful baby girl almost died from undiagnosed intestinal malrotation. It started presenting in December 2004, when she turned a year old. She was a nursed baby and breast milk digests easily. By Spring 2005 with her skinny frame and non-stop throwing up, I finally had an emergency room doctor listen to me that it was more than just the flu.
She was rushed to surgery in March 2005. By this time, my husband and I were a little irritated with each other. I still couldn't find anything full-time, had joined Mocha Moms,and had started my own business. My focus was elsewhere, the bills were still being paid but now we had the medical bills mounting up.
My daughter lived most of 2005 in the hospital with lengthy hospital stays, stress at home from my husband juggling his job and the toddler big sister. One of my older sons was hands-on all that summer and I will forever be grateful to the Mocha Moms for the care they gave during my daughter's illness.
By summer 2006, we thought at least financially we would be on the road to recovery. He was busy at his job, he was still writing, we were both looking at other avenues of economic empowerment, our eldest son was mending from a near-fatal-gunshot, son #2 was set to start his senior year, son #3 was all boy and set to start middle school, girl #1 and girl #2 were so accustomed to mommy at home that it was normal, girl #2 was settling into her diagnosis of eosinophilic gastroenteritis and all the medicine, we thought the summer would be fine and the fall even better.
Then my husband came home and told me they were doing cutbacks at the university and his position was eliminated.
I sat down on the bed and felt as if someone had hit me in my gut. I didn't think we could handle another job loss, the toll had been too much to pay at times. I had started teaching an evening M.B.A, class but it wasn't the same as my previous position. I had been out-of-fulltime-work for three years at that time.
All I know is that God heard the desperate cried and prayers of the two of us and my husband went on several interviews across the country. At the eleventh hour, when the end date of his job was approaching and severance was already spent, he was offered the job he has now.
He was there for an interview a couple weeks prior, they called him and made the offer on Friday, he told them he would start Monday, he packed and moved across state on Saturday. We all breathed a sigh of relief, it was late July 2006.
Now we sit back and wonder how we made it over. We know God was definitely guiding us. We are not special, we are still recovering. It took its toll.
Things we learned are that people are important, even though we held people in our lives in high regard, it takes crisis to find out who your real friends are. We were blessed by the generosity of others, and strive to keep our doors open to do the same. Before we lost our jobs, we gave of our abundance and always had extra seats at the table. In our adopted city, holidays and overflowing meals were held in our open dining room. Everyone from our friends to my sons' friends knew that 6:30pm was time to eat. No one was ever turned away.
We also learned that we could live through the impossible, forgive the unimaginable, and survive the improbable.
Our children have also understood some things. They know that stuff is just that, stuff that clutters up bedrooms, overflows closets, and ends up in the landfill. They have embraced recycling along with me, finding new ways to wear a familiar shirt, and finding the joy in bargain hunting. They understand why when we do eat out, mom and dad share a meal, or we order appetizers, or when we go out for a Saturday drive, pack a lunch first. We set a new ground rule those six years ago that are enabling us to survive now.
I can say this too will pass. I can also say it has allowed me to reinvent. I have been writing, tutoring, mentoring, and facilitating. I have taken on a new program director position focusing on educational enrichment. I am busier than I ever was in corporate life and am happier. There is life at the end of the job loss.
We hear the news and the national unemployment rate at over 8%. We watch the corporate big wigs and their million dollar bonuses. We hear bailout and bankruptcy. We hear about the anger spilling over to fist fights outside car dealerships. No one has been untouched by this deepening recession.
Yet, somehow, I know that it will be ok. My immediate family has not been touched recently except for that house we still pay mortgage for in that other city, but I know people who have. My table is set, my door is open, I still look for ways to help. I know this recovery will take a long time and will take people seeing the humanity in people and not in granite counter tops, Prada shoes, and Apple Bottom jeans. We may get back to our true selves, living within our national means, eating locally, supporting local businesses, being creative, studying for something other than how to make a dollar.
Six years ago I lost my job and found myself.
life, really, and a latte by Tayé Foster Bradshaw
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Yesterday I Understood
Someone asked me why I was writing a lot about domestic violence lately.
I had to ponder the question and thought, why not writing about this epidemic? It affects more people, women, than we realize, or more than we care to admit.
Just yesterday I read a very disturbing article in the St. Louis Argus. It was about a 18-year-old man who sexually molested and beat to death his girlfriend's 14-month-old daughter. Then he went to sleep. The mother trusted her boyfriend (we'll talk about this mistake later) to watch the child while she went to work. When the mother came home, the boyfriend was sleeping in the living room. The mother asked the whereabouts of the baby and he told her she was "sleeping." The mother then found the most horrific scene any mother could imagine.
No one can know the anguish of this young mother, simply trying to work since our government threw her and many women like her off the welfare rolls. She had her own apartment and because childcare is prohibitive on a service job, trusted her boyfriend to care for the baby. Only someone who has been in her shoes can understand the anger, the guilt, the anguish, the nightmares that accompany someone you know killing your baby.
Domestic violence is about power and control. It thrives on fear. Black women live with this fear daily, real or perceived. Society has fed a steady diet of the less-than-worthy status of these beautiful brown sisters. Say the word "welfare queen" and the automatic thought is of a single mother with a bunch of multi-fathered children living in the projects off the public dole, this is far from the reality of the majority of welfare recipients being poor and rural whites or the likes of AIG. Black women have had to fight for our womanhood every since the first slave master had his way with the first black woman. The media then continues to perpetuate this image of our less-than-worth-mentioning-life. Even Nancy Grace, the great voice of missing and exploited white girls and white women fails to mention the many missing and exploited black girls and black women.
I write about this because it is time. We have a beautiful brown sister in the White House who has made the traditional powers-that-be re-evaluate their perception of black women. This powerful and educated woman will open up the airways for discussion of this epidemic because there are women who hold graduate degrees, work in their chosen profession, and live every day in fear of their husbands.
We saw with the election that there is power when many voices come together and say no more. We are seeing this nationwide with the populist outcry against the greed of Wall Street and the AIG bonuses. I am looking for an outcry against the assault on the lives of women living with domestic violence.
Women in these situations drive a Lexus and catch the bus. They are Ph.Ds, and GEDs. They are married and single. They are all of us and we demand a voice in the justice department, a removal of the stigma, an end to blaming the victim, and real help that doesn't require the woman to become destitute.
Yesterday I understood why I must continue to speak out about this. This cycle must end. Every woman is worth her self-esteen, her beauty, her promise, and her life. This is why I speak.
I had to ponder the question and thought, why not writing about this epidemic? It affects more people, women, than we realize, or more than we care to admit.
Just yesterday I read a very disturbing article in the St. Louis Argus. It was about a 18-year-old man who sexually molested and beat to death his girlfriend's 14-month-old daughter. Then he went to sleep. The mother trusted her boyfriend (we'll talk about this mistake later) to watch the child while she went to work. When the mother came home, the boyfriend was sleeping in the living room. The mother asked the whereabouts of the baby and he told her she was "sleeping." The mother then found the most horrific scene any mother could imagine.
No one can know the anguish of this young mother, simply trying to work since our government threw her and many women like her off the welfare rolls. She had her own apartment and because childcare is prohibitive on a service job, trusted her boyfriend to care for the baby. Only someone who has been in her shoes can understand the anger, the guilt, the anguish, the nightmares that accompany someone you know killing your baby.
Domestic violence is about power and control. It thrives on fear. Black women live with this fear daily, real or perceived. Society has fed a steady diet of the less-than-worthy status of these beautiful brown sisters. Say the word "welfare queen" and the automatic thought is of a single mother with a bunch of multi-fathered children living in the projects off the public dole, this is far from the reality of the majority of welfare recipients being poor and rural whites or the likes of AIG. Black women have had to fight for our womanhood every since the first slave master had his way with the first black woman. The media then continues to perpetuate this image of our less-than-worth-mentioning-life. Even Nancy Grace, the great voice of missing and exploited white girls and white women fails to mention the many missing and exploited black girls and black women.
I write about this because it is time. We have a beautiful brown sister in the White House who has made the traditional powers-that-be re-evaluate their perception of black women. This powerful and educated woman will open up the airways for discussion of this epidemic because there are women who hold graduate degrees, work in their chosen profession, and live every day in fear of their husbands.
We saw with the election that there is power when many voices come together and say no more. We are seeing this nationwide with the populist outcry against the greed of Wall Street and the AIG bonuses. I am looking for an outcry against the assault on the lives of women living with domestic violence.
Women in these situations drive a Lexus and catch the bus. They are Ph.Ds, and GEDs. They are married and single. They are all of us and we demand a voice in the justice department, a removal of the stigma, an end to blaming the victim, and real help that doesn't require the woman to become destitute.
Yesterday I understood why I must continue to speak out about this. This cycle must end. Every woman is worth her self-esteen, her beauty, her promise, and her life. This is why I speak.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Abuse Makes One Depressed
Abuse victims report long-term poor health, depression
* Story Highlights
* NIH: Domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44
* Study: Abused women more likely to have depression, anxiety, joint pain
* Calling a domestic violence hot line is a good first step for a victim
By Elizabeth Landau
CNN
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(CNN) -- Just days after giving birth to her second child, Dr. Jane Dimer drove herself home from the hospital to find her then-husband in bed with another woman. He threw Dimer down the stairs, and she never saw him again until court.
Rihanna was allegedly attacked by her boyfriend, singer Chris Brown, before the Grammys on February 8.
Rihanna was allegedly attacked by her boyfriend, singer Chris Brown, before the Grammys on February 8.
Dimer, now an obstetrician-gynecologist at Group Health Cooperative in Seattle, Washington, had been in an abusive relationship with her husband in Germany for 4½ years until he pushed her out 11 years ago.
"Emotionally, the remnants of that stay for a long time," she said.
Domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44, according to the National Institutes of Health. With the entertainment world buzzing about pop sensation Rihanna, whose boyfriend Chris Brown has been formally charged with assaulting her, public interest in domestic violence has been reinvigorated.
Abuse can influence a victim's future behavior in relationships and even in friendships, depending on whether the victim stays or leaves, said Mark Crawford, a clinical psychologist based in Roswell, Georgia. Those who stay are likely to stop trusting their own perceptions and become passive in both romantic and nonromantic relationships.
Victims who do leave -- which is the healthier choice, Crawford said -- often become over-accommodating because they want to avoid conflict, even verbal disputes, at all costs. Some women won't trust people easily, if at all, and won't be able to handle even normal expressions of anger. Visit CNNHealth.com, your connection to better living
Don't Miss
* Chris Brown charged with two felonies
* Why some women go back to their abusers
"What they need to do when they get out of the relationship is make sure they're aware of their own anger, and then they can learn how to freely express it in a healthy, normal way," he said. "If somebody's still having issues 10 years later, they just haven't worked through it. They haven't healed; they need to do that."
New research shows that abuse victims feel the impact of violence long after it occurred. A recent study in the Journal of Women's Health found that older African-American women who were exposed to high levels of family violence at some point in their lifetimes -- whether by a partner or family member -- are at a greater risk of poor mental and physical health status.
"Not just ongoing violence, which everybody thinks about, but even when it's over, there's something about what happens that seems to have a lingering effect that we don't quite understand yet," said Dr. Anuradha Paranjape, co-author of the study and associate professor at Temple University School of Medicine.
It makes sense that abused women would report worse health, given that people in stressful situations have higher levels of stress hormones, which interfere with immune function, Crawford said.
Other studies show a clear connection between depression and abuse. Adult women who have been abused in a relationship in the past five years have rates of depression 2½ times greater than women who have never been abused, according to a different study of more than 3,000 women. They are also more likely to be socially isolated, said author Amy Bonomi, associate professor at The Ohio State University.
Women who have been abused prior to, but not during, the past five years had depression rates 1½ times greater than those without abuse experience, said Bonomi, who has collaborated with Dimer on research on abused women.
"People like to sort of think that, 'Well, abuse is just when you have a black eye, you sustain a broken bone,' " Bonomi said. "But we see lots of different effects in other areas, like depression and social isolation, and we've actually proven that with the data."
Women who have suffered violence also seem to have a greater likelihood of substance abuse, but it's unclear how the two are related -- one doesn't necessarily cause the other, and there could be other factors involved, Bonomi said.
A 2008 study of 3,333 women, which Bonomi worked on, found that middle-aged women who suffered child abuse, sexual or other physical abuse, had a greater likelihood of depression, as well as a higher body mass index. These women also spend up to one-third more than average on health care costs. About 34 percent of women in the sample said they had been abused.
While Paranjape's study found that women with the highest levels of abuse reported having poor health, the same number of diseases were reported among those women as the women in the sample who had less or no abuse. This indicates that there is something else that makes abused women report feeling unwell, she said.
"When your patient says they don't feel so good, you might want to think about asking what other issues may be going on," she said.
People who have gotten out of a relationship should go through the work of learning what issues set them up in that situation, and reflect on the warning signs, Crawford said.
Health Library
* Domestic violence toward women
Experts recommend finding a counselor and other means of support, but people who have been abused should think twice about revealing too much in online support groups, because their abusers could discover what they're saying, Dimer said. Research has also shown that violence escalates in abusive relationships among couples who go to marriage counseling, she said.
Some women do feel stronger having been through the experience of abuse, Dimer said. She herself found healing through advocacy and research on the subject, she said.
Calling a domestic violence hot line is a good first step for anyone who is experiencing abuse, Dimer said.
"Whether you're a pop star or somebody that's working front lines -- an employee at a grocery store selling the pop star magazine -- you're at equal risk for having this," she said.
* Story Highlights
* NIH: Domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44
* Study: Abused women more likely to have depression, anxiety, joint pain
* Calling a domestic violence hot line is a good first step for a victim
By Elizabeth Landau
CNN
Decrease font Decrease font
Enlarge font Enlarge font
(CNN) -- Just days after giving birth to her second child, Dr. Jane Dimer drove herself home from the hospital to find her then-husband in bed with another woman. He threw Dimer down the stairs, and she never saw him again until court.
Rihanna was allegedly attacked by her boyfriend, singer Chris Brown, before the Grammys on February 8.
Rihanna was allegedly attacked by her boyfriend, singer Chris Brown, before the Grammys on February 8.
Dimer, now an obstetrician-gynecologist at Group Health Cooperative in Seattle, Washington, had been in an abusive relationship with her husband in Germany for 4½ years until he pushed her out 11 years ago.
"Emotionally, the remnants of that stay for a long time," she said.
Domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44, according to the National Institutes of Health. With the entertainment world buzzing about pop sensation Rihanna, whose boyfriend Chris Brown has been formally charged with assaulting her, public interest in domestic violence has been reinvigorated.
Abuse can influence a victim's future behavior in relationships and even in friendships, depending on whether the victim stays or leaves, said Mark Crawford, a clinical psychologist based in Roswell, Georgia. Those who stay are likely to stop trusting their own perceptions and become passive in both romantic and nonromantic relationships.
Victims who do leave -- which is the healthier choice, Crawford said -- often become over-accommodating because they want to avoid conflict, even verbal disputes, at all costs. Some women won't trust people easily, if at all, and won't be able to handle even normal expressions of anger. Visit CNNHealth.com, your connection to better living
Don't Miss
* Chris Brown charged with two felonies
* Why some women go back to their abusers
"What they need to do when they get out of the relationship is make sure they're aware of their own anger, and then they can learn how to freely express it in a healthy, normal way," he said. "If somebody's still having issues 10 years later, they just haven't worked through it. They haven't healed; they need to do that."
New research shows that abuse victims feel the impact of violence long after it occurred. A recent study in the Journal of Women's Health found that older African-American women who were exposed to high levels of family violence at some point in their lifetimes -- whether by a partner or family member -- are at a greater risk of poor mental and physical health status.
"Not just ongoing violence, which everybody thinks about, but even when it's over, there's something about what happens that seems to have a lingering effect that we don't quite understand yet," said Dr. Anuradha Paranjape, co-author of the study and associate professor at Temple University School of Medicine.
It makes sense that abused women would report worse health, given that people in stressful situations have higher levels of stress hormones, which interfere with immune function, Crawford said.
Other studies show a clear connection between depression and abuse. Adult women who have been abused in a relationship in the past five years have rates of depression 2½ times greater than women who have never been abused, according to a different study of more than 3,000 women. They are also more likely to be socially isolated, said author Amy Bonomi, associate professor at The Ohio State University.
Women who have been abused prior to, but not during, the past five years had depression rates 1½ times greater than those without abuse experience, said Bonomi, who has collaborated with Dimer on research on abused women.
"People like to sort of think that, 'Well, abuse is just when you have a black eye, you sustain a broken bone,' " Bonomi said. "But we see lots of different effects in other areas, like depression and social isolation, and we've actually proven that with the data."
Women who have suffered violence also seem to have a greater likelihood of substance abuse, but it's unclear how the two are related -- one doesn't necessarily cause the other, and there could be other factors involved, Bonomi said.
A 2008 study of 3,333 women, which Bonomi worked on, found that middle-aged women who suffered child abuse, sexual or other physical abuse, had a greater likelihood of depression, as well as a higher body mass index. These women also spend up to one-third more than average on health care costs. About 34 percent of women in the sample said they had been abused.
While Paranjape's study found that women with the highest levels of abuse reported having poor health, the same number of diseases were reported among those women as the women in the sample who had less or no abuse. This indicates that there is something else that makes abused women report feeling unwell, she said.
"When your patient says they don't feel so good, you might want to think about asking what other issues may be going on," she said.
People who have gotten out of a relationship should go through the work of learning what issues set them up in that situation, and reflect on the warning signs, Crawford said.
Health Library
* Domestic violence toward women
Experts recommend finding a counselor and other means of support, but people who have been abused should think twice about revealing too much in online support groups, because their abusers could discover what they're saying, Dimer said. Research has also shown that violence escalates in abusive relationships among couples who go to marriage counseling, she said.
Some women do feel stronger having been through the experience of abuse, Dimer said. She herself found healing through advocacy and research on the subject, she said.
Calling a domestic violence hot line is a good first step for anyone who is experiencing abuse, Dimer said.
"Whether you're a pop star or somebody that's working front lines -- an employee at a grocery store selling the pop star magazine -- you're at equal risk for having this," she said.
The Public Outcry
I thought this was very good from The Black Commentator. I see a vast public outcry especially as the news continues to unfold over AIG's bonuses, including Bank of America, I am changing accounts tomorrow! I saw over on Huffington Post that there was some concern that President Obama would receive the backlash, but I believe this is just Republican smokescreening designed to diver the attention of white middle class America. It is not working according to the 68% approval rating posted over on Daily Kos. We are all int he same house and it is on fire.
Our House Is On Fire, Part 1: Now the Robber Barons Replace the Welfare Queens (and Rightly So) - Color of Law By David A. Love, JD, BlackCommentator.com Editorial Board
The following is the first part of an ongoing Color of Law series.
Gordon Gecko had a long run of it, but now the party is over. I’m talking, of course, about the character in the film Wall Street, that conniving titan of finance who would sell his mother for a buck and a quarter, and there is scant evidence that he had not already accomplished that goal. “Greed is good,” he declared.
Gecko began to have his heyday in the Reagan era. That’s when the “conventional wisdom,” fueled by greed, began to call for a supply-side economic policy in which financial benefits would be bestowed upon the wealthy and businesses in the form of tax cuts. And as the theory goes, the benefits would “trickle down” to the common folk. In reality, the result was more like “trickle on”.
Another hallmark of the Reagan era, which was perfected in the Clinton and Bush years, was the deregulation of the financial markets and other industries. Over the years, these policies were bought and paid for to the tune of $5 billion in contributions, given by Wall Street to Democratic and Republican politicians alike, to keep the government out of the gambling casinos, I mean financial markets. This led to the proliferation of exotic financial instruments called derivatives, which have turned out to be a little more than a high-tech, blue chip hustle. Unregulated, unmonitored, and getting their money’s worth, the banks were able to engage in predatory lending, sucking homeowners - particularly homeowners of color - into unconscionable subprime mortgages. When applied to the environment and food and safety standards, deregulation has resulted in salmonella- and rat-infested peanuts, E-coli tainted beef and climate change.
Meanwhile, as the media - deregulated, conglomerated and with fewer diverse voices (thank you, President Clinton) - provided us with empty calories for our entertainment, many of us did not realize what was taking place right under our noses: the most dramatic upward redistribution of wealth in history, and a level of income inequality which makes democracy unsustainable. The land of opportunity became the most unequal, top-heavy society in the West.
Since the 1980s, when much of the New Deal regulatory framework has given way to the best unbridled capitalism money could buy, society has steered its best and brightest into the whole Wall Street thing. As the nation’s infrastructure began to crumble and its students fell behind the rest of the developed world in math and science, everyone, including yours truly in a former life, wanted a job shuffling paper and moving numbers around but not creating anything tangible, not building anything of much use to society.
With the adoration of the rich and famous, and the glorification of wealth as a virtue, came the vilification of the poor and the stigmatization of poverty. This gave birth to the concept of the welfare queen, the fictional Black woman on welfare who has six children, wears a mink coat and drives a Cadillac. The typical welfare recipient is White, but never mind. What a worthy scapegoat, no doubt created in some conservative think tank. And what better justification for taking from the poor (unworthy as they are, living off the government dole), and giving to the rich (needy as they are, and unable to live the American dream)? It was “reverse Robin Hood”, as Jesse Jackson aptly described it, which culminated in the passage of welfare reform by President Clinton and a Republican Congress.
A Dickensian treatment of the poor was in full fashion. Poverty became a moral failing, an issue of genetics. “Are there no debtors’ prisons? No poor houses?” Well, given that American capitalism never was meant to employ everyone (for more information, see slavery), and given that many of the good blue collar and even white collar jobs have been sent overseas, what do you do with that surplus population, as Dickens called it? It seems no accident that the prison boom, the war on drugs, and draconian prison sentencing came at a time when there were no jobs to be found in the inner cities. The “land of the free” has the world’s largest prison population, even more than China, which is a police state and has over four times the population of the U.S. Prisons are one of America’s primary forms of social control, and there is profit in the warehousing of Black, Brown, and poor bodies.
And as all of this was going on, the people at the top were having a big party at our expense. There has been very little mention of the plight of the poor, although their ranks rose under Bush. In America, over 41 million people were poor as of 2005. Further, 18 percent of children live in poverty, and 1 in 50 children is homeless. With the collapse of the financial system, how can you scapegoat the poor when everyone is either poor or has real potential to join its ranks? This time around, the anger is directed towards the real culprits: the people who, like the robber barons of old, actually stole the money and brought us to where we are today.
It is cathartic to watch the spectacle of bank executives hauled before Congress to explain themselves. What got these people in trouble was not merely their obscenely immense wealth or the manner in which they earned or stole that wealth. Rather, in the midst of all the destruction they left in their path, the broken lives and stolen futures, these individuals still wanted to be rewarded for their failure, for being the special people they think they are. With their pernicious sense of entitlement, the robber barons looked at the rest of society with contempt, as if they are superior to the regular everyday chumps at the bottom of the pyramid scheme.
In a moment of clarity, everyday people have identified the real problem - unfettered capitalism. The robber barons have replaced the welfare queens, and so we have come full circle. This time around, the public refused to fall for the okeedoke and allow themselves to be distracted by some straw man or scapegoat. The Right’s early contention - that Black and Latino homeowners brought the financial system down with mortgages they could not afford - did not hold water. So, is this a sign of political maturity for the common folk, a new populism? Perhaps, but it is too early to tell. The test will come in how society responds to the crisis, learns the lessons of history, and constructs an economic system that seeks fairness, equity and justice. Heaven forbid we become more like those so-called “socialist” Europeans, with their universal healthcare, lower levels of inequality, lower poverty rates and higher educational standards. In the meantime, it will probably get worse before it gets better. But no one said it would be a pretty sight.
BlackCommentator.com Editorial Board member David A. Love, JD is a lawyer and journalist based in Philadelphia, and a contributor to the Progressive Media Project, McClatchy-Tribune News Service, In These Times and Philadelphia Independent Media Center. He contributed to the book, States of Confinement: Policing, Detention, and Prisons (St. Martin's Press, 2000). Love is a former Amnesty International UK spokesperson, organized the first national police brutality conference as a staff member with the Center for Constitutional Rights, and served as a law clerk to two Black federal judges. His blog is davidalove.com. Click here to contact Mr. Love.
Our House Is On Fire, Part 1: Now the Robber Barons Replace the Welfare Queens (and Rightly So) - Color of Law By David A. Love, JD, BlackCommentator.com Editorial Board
The following is the first part of an ongoing Color of Law series.
Gordon Gecko had a long run of it, but now the party is over. I’m talking, of course, about the character in the film Wall Street, that conniving titan of finance who would sell his mother for a buck and a quarter, and there is scant evidence that he had not already accomplished that goal. “Greed is good,” he declared.
Gecko began to have his heyday in the Reagan era. That’s when the “conventional wisdom,” fueled by greed, began to call for a supply-side economic policy in which financial benefits would be bestowed upon the wealthy and businesses in the form of tax cuts. And as the theory goes, the benefits would “trickle down” to the common folk. In reality, the result was more like “trickle on”.
Another hallmark of the Reagan era, which was perfected in the Clinton and Bush years, was the deregulation of the financial markets and other industries. Over the years, these policies were bought and paid for to the tune of $5 billion in contributions, given by Wall Street to Democratic and Republican politicians alike, to keep the government out of the gambling casinos, I mean financial markets. This led to the proliferation of exotic financial instruments called derivatives, which have turned out to be a little more than a high-tech, blue chip hustle. Unregulated, unmonitored, and getting their money’s worth, the banks were able to engage in predatory lending, sucking homeowners - particularly homeowners of color - into unconscionable subprime mortgages. When applied to the environment and food and safety standards, deregulation has resulted in salmonella- and rat-infested peanuts, E-coli tainted beef and climate change.
Meanwhile, as the media - deregulated, conglomerated and with fewer diverse voices (thank you, President Clinton) - provided us with empty calories for our entertainment, many of us did not realize what was taking place right under our noses: the most dramatic upward redistribution of wealth in history, and a level of income inequality which makes democracy unsustainable. The land of opportunity became the most unequal, top-heavy society in the West.
Since the 1980s, when much of the New Deal regulatory framework has given way to the best unbridled capitalism money could buy, society has steered its best and brightest into the whole Wall Street thing. As the nation’s infrastructure began to crumble and its students fell behind the rest of the developed world in math and science, everyone, including yours truly in a former life, wanted a job shuffling paper and moving numbers around but not creating anything tangible, not building anything of much use to society.
With the adoration of the rich and famous, and the glorification of wealth as a virtue, came the vilification of the poor and the stigmatization of poverty. This gave birth to the concept of the welfare queen, the fictional Black woman on welfare who has six children, wears a mink coat and drives a Cadillac. The typical welfare recipient is White, but never mind. What a worthy scapegoat, no doubt created in some conservative think tank. And what better justification for taking from the poor (unworthy as they are, living off the government dole), and giving to the rich (needy as they are, and unable to live the American dream)? It was “reverse Robin Hood”, as Jesse Jackson aptly described it, which culminated in the passage of welfare reform by President Clinton and a Republican Congress.
A Dickensian treatment of the poor was in full fashion. Poverty became a moral failing, an issue of genetics. “Are there no debtors’ prisons? No poor houses?” Well, given that American capitalism never was meant to employ everyone (for more information, see slavery), and given that many of the good blue collar and even white collar jobs have been sent overseas, what do you do with that surplus population, as Dickens called it? It seems no accident that the prison boom, the war on drugs, and draconian prison sentencing came at a time when there were no jobs to be found in the inner cities. The “land of the free” has the world’s largest prison population, even more than China, which is a police state and has over four times the population of the U.S. Prisons are one of America’s primary forms of social control, and there is profit in the warehousing of Black, Brown, and poor bodies.
And as all of this was going on, the people at the top were having a big party at our expense. There has been very little mention of the plight of the poor, although their ranks rose under Bush. In America, over 41 million people were poor as of 2005. Further, 18 percent of children live in poverty, and 1 in 50 children is homeless. With the collapse of the financial system, how can you scapegoat the poor when everyone is either poor or has real potential to join its ranks? This time around, the anger is directed towards the real culprits: the people who, like the robber barons of old, actually stole the money and brought us to where we are today.
It is cathartic to watch the spectacle of bank executives hauled before Congress to explain themselves. What got these people in trouble was not merely their obscenely immense wealth or the manner in which they earned or stole that wealth. Rather, in the midst of all the destruction they left in their path, the broken lives and stolen futures, these individuals still wanted to be rewarded for their failure, for being the special people they think they are. With their pernicious sense of entitlement, the robber barons looked at the rest of society with contempt, as if they are superior to the regular everyday chumps at the bottom of the pyramid scheme.
In a moment of clarity, everyday people have identified the real problem - unfettered capitalism. The robber barons have replaced the welfare queens, and so we have come full circle. This time around, the public refused to fall for the okeedoke and allow themselves to be distracted by some straw man or scapegoat. The Right’s early contention - that Black and Latino homeowners brought the financial system down with mortgages they could not afford - did not hold water. So, is this a sign of political maturity for the common folk, a new populism? Perhaps, but it is too early to tell. The test will come in how society responds to the crisis, learns the lessons of history, and constructs an economic system that seeks fairness, equity and justice. Heaven forbid we become more like those so-called “socialist” Europeans, with their universal healthcare, lower levels of inequality, lower poverty rates and higher educational standards. In the meantime, it will probably get worse before it gets better. But no one said it would be a pretty sight.
BlackCommentator.com Editorial Board member David A. Love, JD is a lawyer and journalist based in Philadelphia, and a contributor to the Progressive Media Project, McClatchy-Tribune News Service, In These Times and Philadelphia Independent Media Center. He contributed to the book, States of Confinement: Policing, Detention, and Prisons (St. Martin's Press, 2000). Love is a former Amnesty International UK spokesperson, organized the first national police brutality conference as a staff member with the Center for Constitutional Rights, and served as a law clerk to two Black federal judges. His blog is davidalove.com. Click here to contact Mr. Love.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Just Will Not Stop Talking About It!
I thought my last article on the subject would the the last for a while until I couldn't sleep and was watching Larry King. He was interviewing Robin Givens about the whole Rihanna domestic abuse situation with Chris Brown. Seeing Robin sitting there, she and I are about the same age, reminded me of the very painful viewing of her interview with Mike Tyson and Barbara Walters. I could tell she was hurting then but there were no words. Today is different and women are speaking out, the result of being silent is too great. Nicole Brown Simpson lost her life because her ex-husband, now convicted of another crime, beat her senseless for the entirety of their marriage but because he was a celebrity, the sympathy was on him and not the victim. This must end and I will not stop talking about it.
I also thought I was finished until I read an excerpt of Dr. Robin Smith's book, "Lies at the Altar: The Secret of Great Marriages" and her acknowledgment of the debilitating affect of abuse in a marriage. While her book was not spiritual, she also touched on the fact that a lot of abused (name the type, it doesn't matter, it is all abuse) sit painfully silent in church (pick a denomination or a temple or a mosque, they are everywhere) because women are taught to submit to the man no matter what.
This topic is worth talking about by women and men.
Reprinted from Political Intersection Blog because it is just that important and I will not stop talking about it!
Uncategorized by Sophia Nelson
Before It’s Too Late for Rihanna (Reprinted from theRoot.com)
March 12, 2009
Tags: Chris Brown, domestic violence, Mike Tyson, Oprah, Patricia Ann Simmons-Kelly, Rihanna, Robin Givens, Sophia Nelson
In the past few weeks, like many Americans, I have had to face the harsh reality of how tragic domestic violence can be in the lives of women. It isn’t just that I have two small nieces who look up to Rihanna and listen to her music. This is now very personal for me because last week I buried a colleague and sister friend, Patricia Ann Simmons-Kelly [1], who was shot by her husband while she was at church in Silver Spring, Md.
I am having a hard time shaking the image of Pat in her casket. The sad thing for the many friends and family members who spoke at her funeral was that they had no idea that her life was in any danger. Ladies at her church and women in iask, Inc. [2], a group I founded, had no idea that behind Pat’s friendly smile, big heart and warm demeanor was a woman living with the fear and stress of a broken marriage. She had apparently asked her husband to leave their home at about the time she lost her job to a mass layoff at the law firm where she worked. One week later, she was dead.
How did it get this far? Was it financial strain from the layoff? Was it the fact that she had asked him to move out? We may never know.
What we do know is that events like this don’t happen overnight. Her husband was clearly in severe emotional distress, and he had murdered her in his mind long before he actually pulled the trigger. The sad thing is that this is all too common.
According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, black women are subject to a higher incidence of domestic violence than white women. Hispanic women are less likely to be victimized than non-Hispanic women in every age group. Even more troubling is that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, and four women die each day at the hands of a male partner or spouse in America.
Given this backdrop, I cringe now when I think back on Robin Givens’ explanation as to why she stayed with Tyson [3] after her infamous 1988 appearance on The Barbara Walters Show.
“With Michael, I felt like I had a purpose. I really felt like I had to protect him and love him and convince him that the world can be an OK place—I wanted to love all of his hurts and all of his pain away,” she told Oprah in 2004 [4].
Sadly, I suspect that years from now we may see an older, wiser Rihanna telling woeful tales about how she lacked self-esteem and how she wanted to save the bad-boy Chris Brown from his past as an abused child who also witnessed his stepfather beat his mother. That is, if she lives to become an older, wiser woman.
According to the police affidavit, Brown allegedly choked Rihanna until she almost lost consciousness. A recent column by Barbara Brotman in the Chicago Tribune [5] states that men who choke women are likely to kill their victim at some point, and “it is a harbinger of potential murder.” Having just lost a 52-year-old friend (with a now orphaned 17-year-old daughter), I hope that Rihanna will heed Oprah’s wise counsel: “If he hit you once, he will hit you again.”
Yes, Chris Brown is a victim, too, and he needs help. But it can’t come from Rihanna. He needs professional help. All she can do is wish him well. But she needs to let him go before it’s too late.
Sophia A. Nelson is a regular contributor to The Root.
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Uncategorized by Sophia Nelson
I also thought I was finished until I read an excerpt of Dr. Robin Smith's book, "Lies at the Altar: The Secret of Great Marriages" and her acknowledgment of the debilitating affect of abuse in a marriage. While her book was not spiritual, she also touched on the fact that a lot of abused (name the type, it doesn't matter, it is all abuse) sit painfully silent in church (pick a denomination or a temple or a mosque, they are everywhere) because women are taught to submit to the man no matter what.
This topic is worth talking about by women and men.
Reprinted from Political Intersection Blog because it is just that important and I will not stop talking about it!
Uncategorized by Sophia Nelson
Before It’s Too Late for Rihanna (Reprinted from theRoot.com)
March 12, 2009
Tags: Chris Brown, domestic violence, Mike Tyson, Oprah, Patricia Ann Simmons-Kelly, Rihanna, Robin Givens, Sophia Nelson
In the past few weeks, like many Americans, I have had to face the harsh reality of how tragic domestic violence can be in the lives of women. It isn’t just that I have two small nieces who look up to Rihanna and listen to her music. This is now very personal for me because last week I buried a colleague and sister friend, Patricia Ann Simmons-Kelly [1], who was shot by her husband while she was at church in Silver Spring, Md.
I am having a hard time shaking the image of Pat in her casket. The sad thing for the many friends and family members who spoke at her funeral was that they had no idea that her life was in any danger. Ladies at her church and women in iask, Inc. [2], a group I founded, had no idea that behind Pat’s friendly smile, big heart and warm demeanor was a woman living with the fear and stress of a broken marriage. She had apparently asked her husband to leave their home at about the time she lost her job to a mass layoff at the law firm where she worked. One week later, she was dead.
How did it get this far? Was it financial strain from the layoff? Was it the fact that she had asked him to move out? We may never know.
What we do know is that events like this don’t happen overnight. Her husband was clearly in severe emotional distress, and he had murdered her in his mind long before he actually pulled the trigger. The sad thing is that this is all too common.
According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, black women are subject to a higher incidence of domestic violence than white women. Hispanic women are less likely to be victimized than non-Hispanic women in every age group. Even more troubling is that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, and four women die each day at the hands of a male partner or spouse in America.
Given this backdrop, I cringe now when I think back on Robin Givens’ explanation as to why she stayed with Tyson [3] after her infamous 1988 appearance on The Barbara Walters Show.
“With Michael, I felt like I had a purpose. I really felt like I had to protect him and love him and convince him that the world can be an OK place—I wanted to love all of his hurts and all of his pain away,” she told Oprah in 2004 [4].
Sadly, I suspect that years from now we may see an older, wiser Rihanna telling woeful tales about how she lacked self-esteem and how she wanted to save the bad-boy Chris Brown from his past as an abused child who also witnessed his stepfather beat his mother. That is, if she lives to become an older, wiser woman.
According to the police affidavit, Brown allegedly choked Rihanna until she almost lost consciousness. A recent column by Barbara Brotman in the Chicago Tribune [5] states that men who choke women are likely to kill their victim at some point, and “it is a harbinger of potential murder.” Having just lost a 52-year-old friend (with a now orphaned 17-year-old daughter), I hope that Rihanna will heed Oprah’s wise counsel: “If he hit you once, he will hit you again.”
Yes, Chris Brown is a victim, too, and he needs help. But it can’t come from Rihanna. He needs professional help. All she can do is wish him well. But she needs to let him go before it’s too late.
Sophia A. Nelson is a regular contributor to The Root.
0 Comments
Filed under:
Uncategorized by Sophia Nelson
Monday, March 9, 2009
Rihanna...Please Listen To Oprah!
Someone mentioned to me that I wasn't exhibiting much grace when I wrote about the whole abuse/addiction issue. I was writing about the Rihanna's of the world. I mentor a group of teenage girls and I have had the police come in and teach them a self-defense class. I write about it and talk about it because I lived it and escaped it as a young girl, it cost me a lot more than an few endorsements. I am passionate about listening to the victim, this is especially true in the black community where abuse is pushed under the rug more often than not.
I found this post over on Digital Journal and thought it was worth repeating. Oprah is not my number one source of information, but I do believe she has an important message, herself being a survivor of domestic violence. It sometimes takes a survivor to tell a victim that you will get past the confusion, the hurt, the shame, the questions, the stares, the silent screams and will find the strength to turn around, stare that devil in his face and tell him "NO MORE!!!!" Then, like Oprah, and thousands more who have walked through that fire and made it to the other side, you will reach back your hand and pull another sister through.
Rihanna, listen, the words come from love.
Even Michael Basdain got in the act today on his show. He had police officers call in and tell women the truth that the restraining order is only part of the defense. They, from one end of the country to the other, told the women to get on the firing range and learn how to shoot if you have one of those "I'll kill you abusers." I listened to the show and automatically thought of Tyler Perry's character Madea and her passion for grit ball. I closed my eyes and imagined Rihanna taking that cast iron skillet upside Chris Brown's pretty head.
We are worth fighting for, Rihanna is worth fighting for. She and the young women like her are the reason I had the local police department teach these 12-16 year old girls some self-defense techniques. The goal was not to fight-to-the-death but to claw you way out and run like hell because if you stay any longer, it will be worse than hell.
I send a big thank you to all the foot soldiers in this war. It is an epidemic. It knows no color, no income, no religion, no ethnicity. It's goal is to put fear through psychological manipulation and intimidation. This alone is abuse but coupled with the physical and sexual violence that often comes with this epidemic, it is even more insidious. It must stopped and we will keep speaking out.
Talk Show Diva steps up and offers serious advice for Rihanna
By Nikki Weingartner.
Faced with a potentially tarnished reputation and much opposition to a reconciliation, Rihanna is under more pressure. The queen of TV talk shows, Oprah Winfrey, made her statement loud and clear.
In response to the horrible abuse situation between R&B artist, Chris Brown, 19, and top 40 artist, Rihanna, Oprah Winfrey said loud and clear on last week's show:
"Love doesn't hurt and if a man hits you once he will hit you again. I don't care what his plea is; he will hit you again."
The queen of talk shows has earned her place to speak openly for women across the country, using the highest ranking show on television, The Oprah Winfrey Show as the perfect medium to get the message across. She has openly dedicated an upcoming show to the "Rihanna's of the world," addressing the United States rate of domestic and interpersonal violence at one in four having been on the receiving end of physical abuse by their boyfriends.
News reports are carrying the story that the abuse started over Rihanna's, or Robyn Fenty as she is privately known, discovery of a text message sent to Chris Brown from another woman after the Grammy Awards last month. As explained by the Daily Mail, court documents reveal that Chris Brown:
threw a 'barrage of punches' at Rihanna's face, bit her ear and pressed her neck until she almost passed out.
'The assault caused Robyn F's mouth to fill with blood and blood to spatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle'
It even revealed that after he had smashed in her face and she "faked" a call to her personal assistant, he threatened to kill her stating "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm going to kill you!" The documents also say that he continually punched her in the arm and hand after she bent over, trying to protect her face and that he even attempted to push her out of his rented luxury sports car, but that her seat belt protected her. When she attempted to contact another personal assistant, Chris Brown was alleged in the court documents to have taken her cell phone and thrown it out the window. Good Samaritans contacted the police when they heard screams for help.
Chris Brown had his day in court last Thursday, where he was officially charged with felony assault and making criminal threats in relation to the incident. He faces up to four years in prison. Yet despite the horrible event and threats on her life, the couple is said to have reconciled or at least they were seen hanging out together at one of the homes of another rapper, Diddy (formerly known as P. Diddy and Puff Daddy). Although the young singer will testify against Brown in court if required by law, a report in the Daily Telegraph described her humiliation, feeling as though "the whole world is judging her" and goes on to say:
Rihanna feels "torn" between supporting her fiance and obeying the wishes of her family who, like Winfrey, are said to staunchly oppose a reconciliation
Rihanna was alleged to have been willing to testify on behalf of her abuser, admitting her "fault" in the incident. However, there are very few reasons for a man to strike a woman, self defense being one, but in this case, the evidence is clear that the beating received by the victim was far beyond anything that would constitute self defense.
Television reports today showed how Chris' fan base and sponsorship is dwindling, as Wrigley's Double Mint Gum and the Got Milk campaigns have ceased using Brown in their ads. Even some radio stations refuse to play his music since the allegations of abuse surfaced. Unfortunately, Rihanna's return to Brown could serve to negatively impact her popularity, as women from around the country unite against her decision as a role model for millions of young fans. Mothers simply will not tolerate their young girls and teens supporting such an outward promotion of violence nor will they encourage those who enable abusers.
On the Today Show (see embedded video clip), Rihanna's future public image was called in question as the CoverGirl model faces a tarnished reputation. Marketing experts predicted a future decline in endorsements based upon what is being called her "condoning" Brown's abuse.
With an overwhelming public outcry against her decision to return to her abuser, it will be interesting to see if Rihanna also listens to Oprah's second bit of advice:
Give it some time, get yourself counselling, take care of yourself and heal yourself first.
For more information on domestic violence and providing support for a friend or family member in a similar situation, visit the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
I found this post over on Digital Journal and thought it was worth repeating. Oprah is not my number one source of information, but I do believe she has an important message, herself being a survivor of domestic violence. It sometimes takes a survivor to tell a victim that you will get past the confusion, the hurt, the shame, the questions, the stares, the silent screams and will find the strength to turn around, stare that devil in his face and tell him "NO MORE!!!!" Then, like Oprah, and thousands more who have walked through that fire and made it to the other side, you will reach back your hand and pull another sister through.
Rihanna, listen, the words come from love.
Even Michael Basdain got in the act today on his show. He had police officers call in and tell women the truth that the restraining order is only part of the defense. They, from one end of the country to the other, told the women to get on the firing range and learn how to shoot if you have one of those "I'll kill you abusers." I listened to the show and automatically thought of Tyler Perry's character Madea and her passion for grit ball. I closed my eyes and imagined Rihanna taking that cast iron skillet upside Chris Brown's pretty head.
We are worth fighting for, Rihanna is worth fighting for. She and the young women like her are the reason I had the local police department teach these 12-16 year old girls some self-defense techniques. The goal was not to fight-to-the-death but to claw you way out and run like hell because if you stay any longer, it will be worse than hell.
I send a big thank you to all the foot soldiers in this war. It is an epidemic. It knows no color, no income, no religion, no ethnicity. It's goal is to put fear through psychological manipulation and intimidation. This alone is abuse but coupled with the physical and sexual violence that often comes with this epidemic, it is even more insidious. It must stopped and we will keep speaking out.
Talk Show Diva steps up and offers serious advice for Rihanna
By Nikki Weingartner.
Faced with a potentially tarnished reputation and much opposition to a reconciliation, Rihanna is under more pressure. The queen of TV talk shows, Oprah Winfrey, made her statement loud and clear.
In response to the horrible abuse situation between R&B artist, Chris Brown, 19, and top 40 artist, Rihanna, Oprah Winfrey said loud and clear on last week's show:
"Love doesn't hurt and if a man hits you once he will hit you again. I don't care what his plea is; he will hit you again."
The queen of talk shows has earned her place to speak openly for women across the country, using the highest ranking show on television, The Oprah Winfrey Show as the perfect medium to get the message across. She has openly dedicated an upcoming show to the "Rihanna's of the world," addressing the United States rate of domestic and interpersonal violence at one in four having been on the receiving end of physical abuse by their boyfriends.
News reports are carrying the story that the abuse started over Rihanna's, or Robyn Fenty as she is privately known, discovery of a text message sent to Chris Brown from another woman after the Grammy Awards last month. As explained by the Daily Mail, court documents reveal that Chris Brown:
threw a 'barrage of punches' at Rihanna's face, bit her ear and pressed her neck until she almost passed out.
'The assault caused Robyn F's mouth to fill with blood and blood to spatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle'
It even revealed that after he had smashed in her face and she "faked" a call to her personal assistant, he threatened to kill her stating "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm going to kill you!" The documents also say that he continually punched her in the arm and hand after she bent over, trying to protect her face and that he even attempted to push her out of his rented luxury sports car, but that her seat belt protected her. When she attempted to contact another personal assistant, Chris Brown was alleged in the court documents to have taken her cell phone and thrown it out the window. Good Samaritans contacted the police when they heard screams for help.
Chris Brown had his day in court last Thursday, where he was officially charged with felony assault and making criminal threats in relation to the incident. He faces up to four years in prison. Yet despite the horrible event and threats on her life, the couple is said to have reconciled or at least they were seen hanging out together at one of the homes of another rapper, Diddy (formerly known as P. Diddy and Puff Daddy). Although the young singer will testify against Brown in court if required by law, a report in the Daily Telegraph described her humiliation, feeling as though "the whole world is judging her" and goes on to say:
Rihanna feels "torn" between supporting her fiance and obeying the wishes of her family who, like Winfrey, are said to staunchly oppose a reconciliation
Rihanna was alleged to have been willing to testify on behalf of her abuser, admitting her "fault" in the incident. However, there are very few reasons for a man to strike a woman, self defense being one, but in this case, the evidence is clear that the beating received by the victim was far beyond anything that would constitute self defense.
Television reports today showed how Chris' fan base and sponsorship is dwindling, as Wrigley's Double Mint Gum and the Got Milk campaigns have ceased using Brown in their ads. Even some radio stations refuse to play his music since the allegations of abuse surfaced. Unfortunately, Rihanna's return to Brown could serve to negatively impact her popularity, as women from around the country unite against her decision as a role model for millions of young fans. Mothers simply will not tolerate their young girls and teens supporting such an outward promotion of violence nor will they encourage those who enable abusers.
On the Today Show (see embedded video clip), Rihanna's future public image was called in question as the CoverGirl model faces a tarnished reputation. Marketing experts predicted a future decline in endorsements based upon what is being called her "condoning" Brown's abuse.
With an overwhelming public outcry against her decision to return to her abuser, it will be interesting to see if Rihanna also listens to Oprah's second bit of advice:
Give it some time, get yourself counselling, take care of yourself and heal yourself first.
For more information on domestic violence and providing support for a friend or family member in a similar situation, visit the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Even President Obama Sees This As An Opportunity
When I finished my post about renewing, I went on my usual cruise back through the news and found a great link to President Obama's weekly radio address. He sees this as an opportunity. I agree wholeheartedly and this is the reason I wrote my blog earlier today. We are in a season of opportunity. Yes, a door has been closed but another is opening wide, will be walk through or not?
Who Will We Be Now
Our country has lost another 655,000 jobs in February. There were 2.4 million jobs lost in the last four months alone. It has all changed forever the landscape of our country.
This got me to thinking this morning, who will we be now? Who will I be now?
I woke up thinking about the process of redefining and renewing the definition of oneself after a major change. This morning as I was getting ready for my usual Saturday morning escape, I thought how differently I am now versus twelve years ago when I was in grad school.
My baby girl, age, woke up joyfully and eagerly. The world seemed like an endless playground for her. She was ready to jump up in my bed and watch Jimmy Neutron. She looked at me with her curly wisps in a morning tussle and a kilowatt smile spread across her chubby face. Her sister, age seven, was cocooning under the blankets, trying to escape the invading morning light. They were in the last moments of "howl out night", a long-time family tradition. With their dad out-of-town, they added to the adventure by making a camp out in my bedroom and eventually swarming on me like bees. The life of these two little girls has been the definition of myself for almost six years.
I braided my daughter's hair and finished getting ready, gathering up my books and pens for a morning of reading and writing. "Have fun mommy." They in turn nestled back under the covers and turned their attention back to the scientific antics of the cartoon character. I took a longing look at them and knew that time would continue to pass quickly and my definition of who I am will change some more.
The news of the economy greeted me as I went downstairs and all the news programs are reporting all the losses. The usual online spots I visit, especially Huffington Post, all proclaimed the mess we are in. Then I thought, like my changing role with girls getting older, is it a mess or is it an opportunity?
My life changed completely when I carried the last box from my corporate job. I was making a pretty high salary, over the middle class figure, and pretty comfortable in my life. We had our favorite restaurants and things we did, the boys involved in activities, the only girl the doted on princess. As I put away the business suits and donned jeans and a blouse, somehow, I knew this would be a journey.
The years have gone by so quickly, I can hardly believe in May it will be six years. I have been writing, consulting, teaching, organizing, facilitating, reading, cooking, cleaning, shopping (not for me!), healing, being, nurturing, loving, creating, motivating, mentoring, tutoring, celebrating, connecting, leading, inventing, speaking - I have been busy. My dread locs have nestled beneath hats of wife, mother, professor, teacher. The things I gave up have been replaced by things that are irreplaceable. And that made me think about the opportunity for our country.
We have been inundated in a sea of big box stores, big box houses, and big box cars. Our nation entered a self-centered, self-absorbed, self-indulgent period of me, me, me over the last decade or so. The start was so subtle that if we weren't paying attention, still can't be pinpointed. Was it the boom time of the 1990s or the protectionist times of the 2000s? The bubble burst like the savings & loan bubble, the dot com bubble, the housing bubble - it all burst and has left a nation scrambling for meaning.
I am not sure where we go from here. I know that sometimes the way forward is to look back.
The country did not need mega mansions popping up faster than the howl-out night popcorn kernels. Every piece of available land was gobbled up to feed that insatiable need to be lord and ladies of the manor. The definition of middle class changed and then the measurement of worth became where we lived, what we drove, where the kids went to school, who was on our feet, what bag we used to hold our wallet, what clubs we belonged to, how many soccer games or academic camps we had scheduled, the more and more became so much that up sprung new storage businesses touting themselves as the third or fourth garage. And then it all came crashing down and we as a nation are left with feelings of shock, awe, fear, and disbelief. It seems as if everyone from the pundits on the television to the old men at the coffee house are musing about how did this happen and how do we get out.
Redefining oneself, redefining the nation will not be easy. We have to shake up age old notions of what makes success, what defines joy, what measure of peace.
The Bible has a great passage in proverbs about how much better it is to live on a corner of the rooftop than with a nagging wife. I can take that to actually mean that nagging wife can be the bills that constantly fill up the mailboxes of this country of unemployed and over-extended status seekers. The continuous pounding on the door and the stress related illnesses as a result of financial failure the likes of AIG, Bank of America, Merrill Lynch, Bernie Madoff, and even the KB Homes head honcho. All of this excess has become a nagging wife for this country and I think it is time to just start over, rethink happiness, rethink joy, rethink success.
One of the biggest changes, besides giving up my huge paycheck, that happened when I became an at-home mom, was the need to continuously reinvent myself. I threw myself into doing laundry, cleaning my home, making increasingly more and more tasty meals, taking on the role of waiting for the school bus, and making sure the house was ready when my husband came home. I, without knowing it, took on the childhood role I saw of my step-mother. She always made sure dinner was on the table when my dad got home around 5:15pm. I grew up with her admonishing us to do our cooking chore (by the time I reached high school) and get things ready for daddy coming home. He was the head of the house and we all prepared for his arrival. I found myself taking on that same role because this was all I saw of an at-home mom.
The mundane part of doing dishes, washing clothes, cleaning the house was not enough to fill the expanse of my heart. I had to redefine myself again. I reached out to the community and joined Mocha Moms, a national support group for mothers-of-color who have chosen to put their children and family first. This helped me realize that as a woman, I could still be a full-time mom and still pursue those things that brought me joy in my life. The definition of who I was extended beyond a corporate marketer or an at-home mother.
I think the process will be the same for this country. For some, people of color in particular, financial difficulty is nothing new. The unemployment rate is at 8.1 nationally but for African-Americans it is over 13% and has been at that rate for a long time. There are some communities that have always had to redefine, renew, and reinvigorate themselves in order to exist in a changing landscape.
America has an opportunity to learn. We are not a monarchy. We are not the 1400s where there were surfs and so many levels of hierarchy. We are more than the expansive manor with the servants inside to cater to our every need. We are a nation of people first. We all have the capacity to grow and change, love and live. WE must realize we are more than the things we own that will not follow us to the grace. We must know that life is meant to be lived and the one with the most toys does not win.
Redefining is not easy. It takes effort and it takes creativity. It wakes up the soul to the possibility of wonder.
I am not who I was twelve years ago. I am constantly changing. And this country will also. I am comfortable in the many hats I wear. I have looked through the lens of possibility and learned that life is fluid, meant to be experienced and not ignored in an endless pursuit of more stuff. We are life and we will be fine.
The years ahead hold a lot of change and a lot of possibility. It is refreshing to think that this country of over 300 million holds within our collective minds the creativity, inquisitiveness, and wonder to ask, "what if we do...?"
Reinvent, renew, reinvigorate, rejuvenate, redefine...it feels free!
This got me to thinking this morning, who will we be now? Who will I be now?
I woke up thinking about the process of redefining and renewing the definition of oneself after a major change. This morning as I was getting ready for my usual Saturday morning escape, I thought how differently I am now versus twelve years ago when I was in grad school.
My baby girl, age, woke up joyfully and eagerly. The world seemed like an endless playground for her. She was ready to jump up in my bed and watch Jimmy Neutron. She looked at me with her curly wisps in a morning tussle and a kilowatt smile spread across her chubby face. Her sister, age seven, was cocooning under the blankets, trying to escape the invading morning light. They were in the last moments of "howl out night", a long-time family tradition. With their dad out-of-town, they added to the adventure by making a camp out in my bedroom and eventually swarming on me like bees. The life of these two little girls has been the definition of myself for almost six years.
I braided my daughter's hair and finished getting ready, gathering up my books and pens for a morning of reading and writing. "Have fun mommy." They in turn nestled back under the covers and turned their attention back to the scientific antics of the cartoon character. I took a longing look at them and knew that time would continue to pass quickly and my definition of who I am will change some more.
The news of the economy greeted me as I went downstairs and all the news programs are reporting all the losses. The usual online spots I visit, especially Huffington Post, all proclaimed the mess we are in. Then I thought, like my changing role with girls getting older, is it a mess or is it an opportunity?
My life changed completely when I carried the last box from my corporate job. I was making a pretty high salary, over the middle class figure, and pretty comfortable in my life. We had our favorite restaurants and things we did, the boys involved in activities, the only girl the doted on princess. As I put away the business suits and donned jeans and a blouse, somehow, I knew this would be a journey.
The years have gone by so quickly, I can hardly believe in May it will be six years. I have been writing, consulting, teaching, organizing, facilitating, reading, cooking, cleaning, shopping (not for me!), healing, being, nurturing, loving, creating, motivating, mentoring, tutoring, celebrating, connecting, leading, inventing, speaking - I have been busy. My dread locs have nestled beneath hats of wife, mother, professor, teacher. The things I gave up have been replaced by things that are irreplaceable. And that made me think about the opportunity for our country.
We have been inundated in a sea of big box stores, big box houses, and big box cars. Our nation entered a self-centered, self-absorbed, self-indulgent period of me, me, me over the last decade or so. The start was so subtle that if we weren't paying attention, still can't be pinpointed. Was it the boom time of the 1990s or the protectionist times of the 2000s? The bubble burst like the savings & loan bubble, the dot com bubble, the housing bubble - it all burst and has left a nation scrambling for meaning.
I am not sure where we go from here. I know that sometimes the way forward is to look back.
The country did not need mega mansions popping up faster than the howl-out night popcorn kernels. Every piece of available land was gobbled up to feed that insatiable need to be lord and ladies of the manor. The definition of middle class changed and then the measurement of worth became where we lived, what we drove, where the kids went to school, who was on our feet, what bag we used to hold our wallet, what clubs we belonged to, how many soccer games or academic camps we had scheduled, the more and more became so much that up sprung new storage businesses touting themselves as the third or fourth garage. And then it all came crashing down and we as a nation are left with feelings of shock, awe, fear, and disbelief. It seems as if everyone from the pundits on the television to the old men at the coffee house are musing about how did this happen and how do we get out.
Redefining oneself, redefining the nation will not be easy. We have to shake up age old notions of what makes success, what defines joy, what measure of peace.
The Bible has a great passage in proverbs about how much better it is to live on a corner of the rooftop than with a nagging wife. I can take that to actually mean that nagging wife can be the bills that constantly fill up the mailboxes of this country of unemployed and over-extended status seekers. The continuous pounding on the door and the stress related illnesses as a result of financial failure the likes of AIG, Bank of America, Merrill Lynch, Bernie Madoff, and even the KB Homes head honcho. All of this excess has become a nagging wife for this country and I think it is time to just start over, rethink happiness, rethink joy, rethink success.
One of the biggest changes, besides giving up my huge paycheck, that happened when I became an at-home mom, was the need to continuously reinvent myself. I threw myself into doing laundry, cleaning my home, making increasingly more and more tasty meals, taking on the role of waiting for the school bus, and making sure the house was ready when my husband came home. I, without knowing it, took on the childhood role I saw of my step-mother. She always made sure dinner was on the table when my dad got home around 5:15pm. I grew up with her admonishing us to do our cooking chore (by the time I reached high school) and get things ready for daddy coming home. He was the head of the house and we all prepared for his arrival. I found myself taking on that same role because this was all I saw of an at-home mom.
The mundane part of doing dishes, washing clothes, cleaning the house was not enough to fill the expanse of my heart. I had to redefine myself again. I reached out to the community and joined Mocha Moms, a national support group for mothers-of-color who have chosen to put their children and family first. This helped me realize that as a woman, I could still be a full-time mom and still pursue those things that brought me joy in my life. The definition of who I was extended beyond a corporate marketer or an at-home mother.
I think the process will be the same for this country. For some, people of color in particular, financial difficulty is nothing new. The unemployment rate is at 8.1 nationally but for African-Americans it is over 13% and has been at that rate for a long time. There are some communities that have always had to redefine, renew, and reinvigorate themselves in order to exist in a changing landscape.
America has an opportunity to learn. We are not a monarchy. We are not the 1400s where there were surfs and so many levels of hierarchy. We are more than the expansive manor with the servants inside to cater to our every need. We are a nation of people first. We all have the capacity to grow and change, love and live. WE must realize we are more than the things we own that will not follow us to the grace. We must know that life is meant to be lived and the one with the most toys does not win.
Redefining is not easy. It takes effort and it takes creativity. It wakes up the soul to the possibility of wonder.
I am not who I was twelve years ago. I am constantly changing. And this country will also. I am comfortable in the many hats I wear. I have looked through the lens of possibility and learned that life is fluid, meant to be experienced and not ignored in an endless pursuit of more stuff. We are life and we will be fine.
The years ahead hold a lot of change and a lot of possibility. It is refreshing to think that this country of over 300 million holds within our collective minds the creativity, inquisitiveness, and wonder to ask, "what if we do...?"
Reinvent, renew, reinvigorate, rejuvenate, redefine...it feels free!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
We Will Keep Calling Attention To This Issue
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin appointed this woman to the Alaskan Supreme Court. Women in tough marriages in Alaska now have a certified enemy in the court system that is already notoriously slanted in hearing their plight. A vast majority of the women in prison for murder are there because they could not take it anymore and killed their abuser in self-defense. In these trying economic times with more and more layoffs and financial plight, expect to hear more about women victims of domestic violence. We must keep calling attention to this issue and offer real reform, real change, and real help to rebuild lives. If these men did this to other men or to a stranger woman, they would be behind bars.
Christen involved in custody cases involving DV, rape, suicide/homocide
Morgan Christen allegedly appointed a child custody evaluator (CCE) rumored in the industry to never recommend custody to a mother. Same CCE also rumored to have had a past relationship with a father-litigant and vowed from that day forward to help out the "poor daddies". CCE allegedly minimized and dismissed mothers evidence of domestic violence, history of sexual abuse by father to mother and suspected for female child, and marital rape resulting in a restraining order against the father. Instead of believing mother's account of assault and getting her help, Christen threatened her with loss of custody due to her "anger". Despondent and traumatized mother faced with loss of custody for reporting abuse and concerns committed suicide, taking the children with her after a Christen ruling that allegedly took away her holiday time with the children and threatened again she would lose custody. Tragic case that could have likely been averted had the victim of violence received the treatment necessary to stabilize, instead of being further revictimized in the courts.
An additional case with Christen involved a well known local media personality and his abused wife-stay-at-home mom. The police had allegedly pressed charges against the father when he beat her in front of the children in their family van. The father's attorney, who is now a judge, allegedly managed to manipulate the prosecutor's office into dropping prosecution, even though the mother required medical treatment. Christen reportedly penalized the pro se mother for her fears of the father, claiming she was least likely to "facilitate an open and loving relationship between the children and father (PAS) and stripped the mother of custody. Abuser father to this day has thwarted visitation between mother and children.
Christen involved in custody cases involving DV, rape, suicide/homocide
Morgan Christen allegedly appointed a child custody evaluator (CCE) rumored in the industry to never recommend custody to a mother. Same CCE also rumored to have had a past relationship with a father-litigant and vowed from that day forward to help out the "poor daddies". CCE allegedly minimized and dismissed mothers evidence of domestic violence, history of sexual abuse by father to mother and suspected for female child, and marital rape resulting in a restraining order against the father. Instead of believing mother's account of assault and getting her help, Christen threatened her with loss of custody due to her "anger". Despondent and traumatized mother faced with loss of custody for reporting abuse and concerns committed suicide, taking the children with her after a Christen ruling that allegedly took away her holiday time with the children and threatened again she would lose custody. Tragic case that could have likely been averted had the victim of violence received the treatment necessary to stabilize, instead of being further revictimized in the courts.
An additional case with Christen involved a well known local media personality and his abused wife-stay-at-home mom. The police had allegedly pressed charges against the father when he beat her in front of the children in their family van. The father's attorney, who is now a judge, allegedly managed to manipulate the prosecutor's office into dropping prosecution, even though the mother required medical treatment. Christen reportedly penalized the pro se mother for her fears of the father, claiming she was least likely to "facilitate an open and loving relationship between the children and father (PAS) and stripped the mother of custody. Abuser father to this day has thwarted visitation between mother and children.
Rihanna and Chris Brown and a Lesson
This was on a People Magazine site and I am reposting it here because there is some important lessons in this entire drama. It is not easy for women in abusive relationships to stay and it is even harder to leave. Rihanna and Chris Brown are no exception.
How Could Rihanna Take Back Chris Brown?
By Ken Lee and Sharon Cotliar
Originally posted Wednesday March 04, 2009 07:00 AM EST
Rihanna and Chris Brown Photo by: Fame (2)How Could Rihanna Take Back Chris Brown?
While Rihanna and Chris Brown's reconciliation after an alleged abuse incident has shocked family and friends, domestic violence experts say it's all too common for a woman to return – often repeatedly.
In fact, experts say, it's unrealistic to expect women not to go back to their abusers, be they husbands or boyfriends, as the victims grapple with feelings of guilt, fear, isolation – even love.
"It never surprises me," says Violent Partners author Linda Mills, who believes therapists and people close to couples in abusive relationships must accept this seemingly fact. "If you start with 'You shouldn't go back,' you very often lose the person [you are trying to help]. They won't talk to you."
Rihanna, 21, and Brown, 19, reunited last week in Miami about three weeks after he allegedly battered the singer early the morning of Feb. 8 in Los Angeles.
No Charges Yet Filed
Police continue to investigate the case and no formal charges have yet been filed against Brown, who was booked on a felony criminal threat charge. Brown has no known criminal background, and though people close to the pair say they've had a tumultuous relationship at times, there had never been any indication of violence until now.
After the arrest, Brown and Rihanna spent time apart. Brown released a statement at the time, saying, "Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired" and noted that he was "seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones."
According to experts, there was nothing surprising in the reunion between Brown and Rihanna, who after spending time in Miami both returned to Los Angeles on the same plane Monday morning.
Reconciliation Period
According to psychologist and author Lenore Walker, the average battered woman endures three to five violent incidents, from having her arm grabbed to an all-out beating, before she gives up on the relationship.
The reconciliation usually happens during what experts call the honeymoon phase in the cycle of violence, that cooling-down period after the attack when the abusive partner often expresses remorse and begs for forgiveness.
"The man is saying he's sorry, he didn't mean it, that it'll never happen again," says Walker. "It's the loving behavior that reinforces a woman to stay, because they believe the violent act isn't a true reflection of their man."
If anything, the victim will often blame herself – and the attacker will agree with her. "The abuser also tries very hard to convince the victim that the attack was their fault," says Dr. Elizabeth Miller, a Sacramento, Calif., pediatrician and domestic violence expert. "It's common to say, 'Honey, if you hadn't upset me, this would've never happened.' "
In many cases, financial pressures draw a woman back, particularly if she has children and doesn't work outside the home. But even among those with money, there's still "psychological warfare," says Jeffrey Gardere, a clinical psychologist. "[An abuser says:] I'm going to isolate you. I'm going to put you completely under my thumb, under my power so if you leave me, then you are going to be in big, big trouble because you won't be able to take care of the kids or yourself."
Isolation and Love
But it's love, in all its complexities, that can often be the most powerful force for reconciliation for a battered woman. "They have insight into somebody in a way that none of us do," says Mills, who runs a program in Arizona that brings together couples with family members and a volunteer from the community to talk over what actually happened in a domestic-violence event. The process usually goes on for months.
"The ideal might be that we can separate people who are in a violent relationship, but the problem is that that's not the reality," Mills says. "I address the reality, which is that people go back, and they're looking for avenues for the possibility of working through this issue like any other rupture in a relationship, working through this issue to the point where the violence could stop."
How Could Rihanna Take Back Chris Brown?
By Ken Lee and Sharon Cotliar
Originally posted Wednesday March 04, 2009 07:00 AM EST
Rihanna and Chris Brown Photo by: Fame (2)How Could Rihanna Take Back Chris Brown?
While Rihanna and Chris Brown's reconciliation after an alleged abuse incident has shocked family and friends, domestic violence experts say it's all too common for a woman to return – often repeatedly.
In fact, experts say, it's unrealistic to expect women not to go back to their abusers, be they husbands or boyfriends, as the victims grapple with feelings of guilt, fear, isolation – even love.
"It never surprises me," says Violent Partners author Linda Mills, who believes therapists and people close to couples in abusive relationships must accept this seemingly fact. "If you start with 'You shouldn't go back,' you very often lose the person [you are trying to help]. They won't talk to you."
Rihanna, 21, and Brown, 19, reunited last week in Miami about three weeks after he allegedly battered the singer early the morning of Feb. 8 in Los Angeles.
No Charges Yet Filed
Police continue to investigate the case and no formal charges have yet been filed against Brown, who was booked on a felony criminal threat charge. Brown has no known criminal background, and though people close to the pair say they've had a tumultuous relationship at times, there had never been any indication of violence until now.
After the arrest, Brown and Rihanna spent time apart. Brown released a statement at the time, saying, "Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired" and noted that he was "seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones."
According to experts, there was nothing surprising in the reunion between Brown and Rihanna, who after spending time in Miami both returned to Los Angeles on the same plane Monday morning.
Reconciliation Period
According to psychologist and author Lenore Walker, the average battered woman endures three to five violent incidents, from having her arm grabbed to an all-out beating, before she gives up on the relationship.
The reconciliation usually happens during what experts call the honeymoon phase in the cycle of violence, that cooling-down period after the attack when the abusive partner often expresses remorse and begs for forgiveness.
"The man is saying he's sorry, he didn't mean it, that it'll never happen again," says Walker. "It's the loving behavior that reinforces a woman to stay, because they believe the violent act isn't a true reflection of their man."
If anything, the victim will often blame herself – and the attacker will agree with her. "The abuser also tries very hard to convince the victim that the attack was their fault," says Dr. Elizabeth Miller, a Sacramento, Calif., pediatrician and domestic violence expert. "It's common to say, 'Honey, if you hadn't upset me, this would've never happened.' "
In many cases, financial pressures draw a woman back, particularly if she has children and doesn't work outside the home. But even among those with money, there's still "psychological warfare," says Jeffrey Gardere, a clinical psychologist. "[An abuser says:] I'm going to isolate you. I'm going to put you completely under my thumb, under my power so if you leave me, then you are going to be in big, big trouble because you won't be able to take care of the kids or yourself."
Isolation and Love
But it's love, in all its complexities, that can often be the most powerful force for reconciliation for a battered woman. "They have insight into somebody in a way that none of us do," says Mills, who runs a program in Arizona that brings together couples with family members and a volunteer from the community to talk over what actually happened in a domestic-violence event. The process usually goes on for months.
"The ideal might be that we can separate people who are in a violent relationship, but the problem is that that's not the reality," Mills says. "I address the reality, which is that people go back, and they're looking for avenues for the possibility of working through this issue like any other rupture in a relationship, working through this issue to the point where the violence could stop."
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sometimes You Just Need To Quit!
My girlfriend sent this out this morning and I thought it was excellent. I've been musing about life like a lot of us have as we seek to redefine who we are in the midst of this economic depression. Someone told me the other day that part of the national problem is that we have defined ourselves by what we do, how we do it, where we live, or what people think/say about us. I thought about this some more and realized how exhausting it is to live up to other people's expectations and forget about living! So, in honor of my girlfriend and in honor of living, I say, just quit!
Here is her list of things to quit, I am taking notes, what about you?
1) Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness!
-Respect their position and keep it moving!
2) Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them!
-And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!
3) Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you!
-Either they believe in you and value you ...or they don't!
4) Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!
-I am not working on being a size 6 or a model...so instead of complaining about the weight charts, I negotiated with my doctor for a "comfortable weight for me." Forget the charts! I created my own "healthy weight!"
5) Quit gossiping about other people!
-Minding our own business should be a full time job!
6) Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter 3 weeks from now!
-Talk solutions...and then implement them!
7) Quit eating things you know are not good for you!
-If you can't quit...eat smaller portions! (I know...this is hard for me too!)
8) Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them!
-If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores!
-Quit charging things, especially when you don't NEED them!
9) Quit staying in unhealthy relationships!
-Some friendships are unhealthy, quit making excuses, walk away.
It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself!
-It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children! Ask them and they will tell you that they really would prefer to see you happy and that the misery you and your spouse/partner are living with is affecting them!
10) Quit letting family members rope you into the drama!
-Start telling them you don't want to hear it!
-Quit spreading the drama!
-Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your cousin or aunt! Go back to #5 - minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!
11) Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK!
-I am still working on this because I really see a world of possibilities for others and try to convince them to see and want differently for themselves!
-Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are!
12) Quit the job you hate!
-Start pursuing your passion
-HINT: find the job that fuels your passion before you quit!
13) Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore!
-Quit volunteering for things and then failing to follow through with your commitment!
14) Quit listening to the naysayers!
-Quit watching the depressing news if you are going to live in the doom and gloom of it all!
15) Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you can't do what you want to do!
16) Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself!
-If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!
-Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!
-Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE!
Here is her list of things to quit, I am taking notes, what about you?
1) Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness!
-Respect their position and keep it moving!
2) Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them!
-And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!
3) Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you!
-Either they believe in you and value you ...or they don't!
4) Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!
-I am not working on being a size 6 or a model...so instead of complaining about the weight charts, I negotiated with my doctor for a "comfortable weight for me." Forget the charts! I created my own "healthy weight!"
5) Quit gossiping about other people!
-Minding our own business should be a full time job!
6) Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter 3 weeks from now!
-Talk solutions...and then implement them!
7) Quit eating things you know are not good for you!
-If you can't quit...eat smaller portions! (I know...this is hard for me too!)
8) Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them!
-If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores!
-Quit charging things, especially when you don't NEED them!
9) Quit staying in unhealthy relationships!
-Some friendships are unhealthy, quit making excuses, walk away.
It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself!
-It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children! Ask them and they will tell you that they really would prefer to see you happy and that the misery you and your spouse/partner are living with is affecting them!
10) Quit letting family members rope you into the drama!
-Start telling them you don't want to hear it!
-Quit spreading the drama!
-Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your cousin or aunt! Go back to #5 - minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!
11) Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK!
-I am still working on this because I really see a world of possibilities for others and try to convince them to see and want differently for themselves!
-Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are!
12) Quit the job you hate!
-Start pursuing your passion
-HINT: find the job that fuels your passion before you quit!
13) Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore!
-Quit volunteering for things and then failing to follow through with your commitment!
14) Quit listening to the naysayers!
-Quit watching the depressing news if you are going to live in the doom and gloom of it all!
15) Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you can't do what you want to do!
16) Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself!
-If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!
-Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!
-Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Update on the Rihanna Situaiton and Domestic Violence Victims
Update
Rihanna is from Barbados, an island that has high incidence of domestic violence. It was reported this morning on both CNN and on Jack & Jill Politics.com that she went back to Chris Brown. This is the mistake a lot of women make because as the CNN story showed this morning, there is still a lot of blaming the victim. This is sad to me because she had an opportunity and support to leave, definitely was in much better financial shape than a lot of battered women.
There are many, many stories of black women killed by their intimate, often black, male partners. This is why the Pearl Cleage message resonated with me and is so important that I have to share it. This is happening to black women in all economic levels, married or not, at all educational levels. Violence against women must stop and overwhelmingly more black women are killed than white women because of this epidemic.
I call the names and murder dates of some of these black women!
1. Shukura Akilah Abdullah Aleem, age 21, 5-28-07
2. Tarneshia Jones, 19, 1-6-09, leaves a 2 year old son by her killer, who killed himself
3. Yoranda Ntahomvukiye, age 59, 1-3-09
4. Darlene Sloan, age 50, 12-25-08
5. Veronica Williams, age 28, 11-20-08
And there are more, so many more, we can not afford to stick our head in the sand about this!
Rihanna is from Barbados, an island that has high incidence of domestic violence. It was reported this morning on both CNN and on Jack & Jill Politics.com that she went back to Chris Brown. This is the mistake a lot of women make because as the CNN story showed this morning, there is still a lot of blaming the victim. This is sad to me because she had an opportunity and support to leave, definitely was in much better financial shape than a lot of battered women.
There are many, many stories of black women killed by their intimate, often black, male partners. This is why the Pearl Cleage message resonated with me and is so important that I have to share it. This is happening to black women in all economic levels, married or not, at all educational levels. Violence against women must stop and overwhelmingly more black women are killed than white women because of this epidemic.
I call the names and murder dates of some of these black women!
1. Shukura Akilah Abdullah Aleem, age 21, 5-28-07
2. Tarneshia Jones, 19, 1-6-09, leaves a 2 year old son by her killer, who killed himself
3. Yoranda Ntahomvukiye, age 59, 1-3-09
4. Darlene Sloan, age 50, 12-25-08
5. Veronica Williams, age 28, 11-20-08
And there are more, so many more, we can not afford to stick our head in the sand about this!
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