I am Becoming

This was my first birthday without my mother, I was five

have always loved my own company and the cadence of my own dreams.

It has been a few days that I have been solo living in Vermont.

There are things I've discovered about myself, after forty years of living with someone else and being concerned about someone else's well-being.

It has taken up a lot of my creative space, a lot of my heart, and a lot of my energy.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly and invested heavily in the upbringing of my children and maintenance of my household.

But, to be honest, like a lot of women my age, we also realize how much those years of sacrifice cost us.

My husband was able to just focus on his high power positions (multiple moves, the latest across the country) in pursuit of his dreams in higher education.

I, on the other hand, had to do a lot of reinvention.

I chose it, of course, because when our children were younger, apart from one year, we did not want them raised without their parents in the same house. Even if that was with my husband's multiple university related trips, they still knew where he was coming home. I chose to be present for them. I became a Mocha Mom with other African American professional mothers. We did what our ancestors were unable to do - we raised and took care of our own, invested our brilliance in our own.

But held at the back of the finished line of raising children was the opportunity to pursue interests not wrapped around being finished by 3pm.

My youngest child is in the second semester of her senior year of college.

She is my finish line.

That's me with my little brother
just a year before our mother died

So for the past two years, I've been doing my intentional pivoting in both presence and purpose.

That probably goes back to my 52nd birthday when I walked onto the campus of my seminary and brought my then young teen daughters to the journey with me.

But a couple years ago, in the middle of the super long provisional process of my denomination, I became a Chaplain intern and after that, a resident.

four year old me

That prepared me for where I am now.

I've always been spiritually grounded and deeply untuned. 

The years prepared me, even the dreams I put aside for their study session or one of his events that I had to attend as the First Lady. 

Being observant, being open, being flexible, these all were a benefit to my development.

Yes, I gave up a high power position and a high powered salary.

Yes, I gave up some financial independence for the times he said, "Toni, there's no money in the account" because he paid all the bills and we had to wait a bit.

Yes, I gave up some of my moments,

But oh what I have gained now.

See, in this time of me becoming more me, I listened, intently, and trusted my instincts.

Over the summer, after I graduated from residency, I interviewed and was a finalist for five different chaplain positions. My husband asked me the one I wanted and I told him the one that I am talking into tomorrow.

I've never lived in Vermont and had only visited the state once since moving to the Northeast.

But just like I knew Connecticut was going to be a place for us, I knew Vermont was going to be a place for me.

So, I consulted with the family, even in the. middle of would it be Connecticut or Vermont or New Hampshire or Rhode Island, I asked them what did they think.

It was my turn for the send off!

After all, it would shift some things even as we were preparing for the final details before moving into the house that has taken much longer than we thought it would. 

I wouldn't be there to instruct the movers on every detail. I wouldn't be the one unpacking and setting up everything.

And in that realization, I let it go.

My daughter told me, "Mama, trust me with your library." And I do, completely, she is a much better version of who I would have wanted to be at 24.

So, as we were finishing up what we could before I had to leave for Vermont, I took one look around the beautiful chaos of packing, and did an exhale.

It was not my thing to do now.

He had already hired his movers.

He could pack a box, just like I had been packing us up over the past twenty-six years and being the one at home dealing with the movers while he was at work. He could do it this time. So I let go of worrying about the details of what fork in what box and who would drop the empty boxes off.

It will give them a chance to see what I have done all these years and. how much truly emotional space it takes to set up a home.

I finished packing up my car, gave the hugs, and set out to the four-and-a-half hour drive to get to my new residence.

After having a lunch with a fellow United Methodist Deacon and getting the keys to my temporary apartment, I spent the next three days slowly unloading my car, finding the right dishes in the furnished kitchen, figuring out where to get coffee, and groceries. I let myself feel the surrounding silence of my own being.

I start my job tomorrow, but it not really a job job in the same sense, it is a purpose, a being, a giving.

It will be a full day of onboarding at home in virtual space and then on Tuesday, I go in for the in person first weeks of orientation.

If you were to ask me how I feel, I would say I feel complete, I feel hopeful, I feel prepared.

Over this first weekend here, I had a chance to spend my Founder's Day with beloved Sorors who come from Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Vermont to be in intentional sisterhood space. 

Walked my block on Founder's Day
1 1/2 miles!

We laughed, shared small gifts, and enjoyed why we are Finer Women.

Then, I spent Saturday in a full day of self care, doing my hair, which gives me time to just think. I also was off social media and let myself just feel. 

When I was ready, in part of this settling in, I opened up a necklace I commissioned from my fraternity brother. 

He gave it to me last Sunday, but my spirit told me to really wait and be settled before reading the meaning behind it and the prayer that accompanied it.

This morning, after my quiet repose with poet, Danielle Doby's work, I Am Her Tribe, I opened the box, then opened the envelope, and my Spirit woman jumped with acceptance, receiving, and joy.

There are moments in becoming when you just know that you know that you know.

That happened to me in this little apartment on East Avenue.

I praised and prayed and thanked God for the courage it took in me to be intentional about what I needed. I focused on me and so doing, was deeply blessed.

Danielle Doby wrote

stop.

stand here.

and breathe in

all that makes you grateful for this life.

In this moment, in this space, I am grateful for the wisdom I have gained, for the strength of my soul, and for the love of myself.

In the days and weeks ahead, I shared with my family that they should prepare to see a different me. That I am being transformed. I am not sure when or how, but I know that 2026 is my year.

In the Chinese New Year, it begins on February 17, 2026 with the dawning of the Year of the Horse.

In all the way that the Universe has been speaking and preparing me, the Year of the Snake, 2025, was a final shedding of things for me. A taking off obligations and expectations of others, of understanding things that happened, even the suddenness with our move from one place to another, of the disappointments, and the betrayals of his dreams, we had to take that journey for greater clarity and insight.

I also have been meditating on what has been deemed the ending of a very long cycle, either 8 years or 13 years, for me, it seems like since 2007 when we moved from Lee's Summit to Kirkwood in pursuit of his dreams. At any rate, as aTaurus, the commentary has been on the ways we have had to cloak ourselves in other's dreams, desires, and destiny, while drifting through some fogs, giving of ourselves but not always receiving the same level of support. But we do what we do and we keep going. But there is something on the horizon for us, even in the midst of all the shifting and challenging. So I have been meditating on what that has meant, where I've been, and where yet I want to be.

Now , there are some who say they don't believe in that and it is ok.

What I've said and still maintain is that The Holy Spirit is actively engaged in my life, in the lives of so many , and that God is still speaking in all the ways through all that God in Her infinite wisdom created the Universe to whisper to us.

For me, that happens at the water, at the rock formations along the middle of the highway in Vermont, at the sight of the mountains, and at the clear night of new moons. I can't always explain what I feel, but I feel it and know it deeply.

So when I read the prayer and affirmation of my call from Sacred Stones, I released not only a flood of tears of understanding and acceptance, but a claiming of all that is mine to come.

Truly, I am in a Season of Becoming, and She is Love, She is Wisdom, She is Acceptance, She is Me.

©2026. All Rights Reserved. The writer, watching the cars go by in Burlington, Vermont, looking at promise.